Grief has been visiting me for some time now. It has become a permanent guest.
I eat with it, it sleeps next to me, I do my work bedside it. It sits on my shoulder when I do the washing up.
It lingers at the door of my classes and it hangs like a cloud over my training sessions. It accompanies me on my beach walks and it stings me in the shower.
It is always there, an added sense I experience the world through. I stopped asking it to leave. I have learned to surrender to its presence.
I have learned to make it a cup of tea and sit with it. I have learned to dance with it. I put on music and express with it.
But there is another layer beneath the lens of grief. There is a visitor that seeps in through the cracks and permeates the air.
I become conscious to it in moments;
In a dip in the ocean,
In catching a wave,
In the shared look between myself and another who have an unspoken understanding,
In interesting conversations,
In a piece of music that makes the hairs on the back of my neck tingle,
In the vibration of my bass strings and when that vibration fits perfectly with others playing their instruments,
In a poem,
In dancing solo or with another,
A light bulb moment in my jiu jitsu training, a realisation in my behaviour patterns and why they keep repeating,
It is in the feeling when looking upon the starry night sky,
A sunrise,
A sunset,
In the possibility of deep long kisses, long hugs and big belly laughs.
It appears in connecting with another human being and sharing in deep experiences.
It appears in communing with nature.
It appears in a compliment and feeling ‘seen’ and appreciated.
It appears in so many ways…
The ‘it’ i am trying to articulate is Joy and Awe.
Joy and awe have the capacity to hold all other emotions… including grief. It can hold all the heaviness. While grief and fear sit in the passenger seat, joy and awe ARE the vehicle that carry us on the journey.
Our time here is fleeting. We are all going to die. In so much uncertainty it is one thing we can rely on. So how can we have a good death? I believe it is by living with intention, facing the things that scare us the most and doing what makes us come alive. To experience joy and awe, to be aware of its presence, sometimes we have to let immense grief move through us. And sometimes we just have to choose the thing that brings us joy and in my experience, awe chooses us. This helps us to appreciate joy in the smallest and simplest of experiences. And all these little moments of joy and awe amidst the grieving…. Can amount to a life of awareness and trust. And in that surrender, joy and awe can be our vehicle and all the emotions the passengers if we are willing to drive.